The Artist - A good movie. You gotta buy into it, but the silent thing works. But damn the non-stop music gets annoying.

The Descendants - Decent, but a downer of a movie. The mom dies. SPOILER ALERT!

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close - Kinda sucky. If you want all the fun and whimsy of reliving 9-11, then this movie's for you!!

The Help - Probably the best all around movie in this bunch. An enjoyable, fun flick.

Hugo - An okay family film (I guess) but ultimately there's just not enough emotional resonance here.

Midnight in Paris - A borefest.

Moneyball - Math and baseball do not equal a good movie. Billy Bean just isn't enough of an interesting character to carry a movie.

Tree of Life - Worst movie eva. I defy anyone to get through a half hour of this pretentious hot mess.

War Horse - Are you insane? I'm a grown ass man- I ain't watchin no movie about no horse. But for those of you who care, the film takes place during World War I, and it stars Sarah Jessica Parker.

So my pick for Best Pitcher of this pretty crappy field is... The Help! Or The Descendants. Or The Artist. Or maybe War Horse was good. I dunno. Who cares?

So the movie studio jackwagons responsible for the Twilight movies decided they needed 2 separate movies to tell the story of the final book in the Twilight trilogy. YEAH RIGHT. MY ASS. GEE, EACH MOVIE GROSSING $700 MILLION DOLLARS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT I'M SURE. NINJA PLEEZ!

But anyways. Breaking Dawn Part 1 opens with the announcement of Bella and Edward tying the knot. Jacob gets so butthurt that he wolfs out (like in Teen Wolf) and OMG IT'S TAYLOR LAUTNER WITHOUT HIS SHIRT ON AND IT'S NOT EVEN A MINUTE INTO THE MOVIE!! OH MAKE SWEET LOVE TO ME MR LAUTNER!! YES I'VE SEEN THOSE PICS OF YOU AND SELENA GOMEZ CANOODLING BUT SHE'S WITH THE BIEBZ NOW! MMMMMMM OHHHHHHHH I LOVE U TAY-TAY!!

Team Edward is hesitant to make Bella his bride. All these damn Twilight movies are about yearning and longing. He even reveals that he used to kill humans for blood so she hopefully gets cold feet. EDWARD THAT JUST MEANS BELLA WILL LIKE YOU MORE, BRO! CHICKS LIKE A DANGEROUS, EDGY DUDE! THEY FIND IT SEXY! THEY ALWAYS GO FOR THE BAD BOY! THEY THINK THEY'RE HAWT! LIKE WHEN I LIKED MICHELLE CASTILLO SENIOR YEAR AT RANCHO BERNARDO HIGH SCHOOL IN THE TONY SUBURBS OF SAN DIEGO COUNTY! DID SHE LIKE ME BACK? OHH NOO SHE LIKED SOME DUDE WHO WAS IN AND OUT OF JUVIE! I JUST WANTED TO LOVE YOU MICHELLE!! IT'S TRUE NICE GUYS DO FINISH LAST!

I used to drive by her house. A lot. I heard she ended up marrying some nice dude and they live near Magic Mountain now.

The wedding is actually quite pretty. It's somewhere in the woods of Washington state with soft, flattering lighting all around. I could see 2 chicks getting married here.

And there are long, close-up shots of Bella's wedding dress. CHICK FLICK ALERT.

So Team Jacob shows up. But he isn't into the pomp and circumstance of it all so he's just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. It reminded me of when I showed up to my friend Leila Gonzales' catillion after I had played basketball. I was like in a sweatshirt and shorts. I just wanted to say hi. I was the biggest moron walking into this place shaking hands thinking I was hot shit that "Oh look at me I was just playin ball but I still managed to grace you all with my presence regardless." I was too much of a loser to go home and change. God was I an idiot. Leila seemed cool with it tho.

N E WAYZ.. Jacob and Bella get to talking and Bella reveals that SHE AND EDWARD ARE TOTALLY GONNA DO IT WHILE SHE'S STILL HUMAN. So if you're keeping score: the original plan was to bite Bella and turn her into a vampire then her and Edward could have pale white vampire seks but now the plan is to smash while she's still human OH WHO THE HELL CARES.

But Jacob gets all c-wordy about it and says it's too dangerous- so he gets mad at Edward and yadda yadda yadda they have words but Jacob's fellow wolves tell him to chillz out brah.

I noticed Edward's hair is a lot different now. It used to be huge, high, and poofy. Now it's sorta down and morose. What's up with that, Robert Pattinson?

Another stupid thing I noticed is Edward driving a car. DUDE, IN ECLIPSE (or it may have been New Moon I forget) YOUR SKINNY ASS RAN TO ROME, ITALY IN LIKE A COUPLE OF MINUTES BUT HERE YOU ARE IN A SUBARU BEHIND THE STEEERING WHEEL DRIVING BELLA TO THE FREAKING AIRPORT. WHY U BE PRETENDING TO BE ALL NORMAL AND ISH? IT'S LIKE WHEN THEY FIRST STARTED DATING HE WAS ALL EXCITING CLIMBING UP TREES TO IMPRESS HER AND NOW HE'S IN SWEAT PANTS DRIVING A SUBARU OUTBACK.

So they go to some sweet ass house on some island in South America for their honeymoon. They're gonna finally get it in! Whoop Whoop! But, well, Bella is nervous for that vampire wang. Will it hurt her? Will it kill her? WILL VAMPIRE WANG KILL BELLA? THAT'S COMING UP AFTER THE BREAK. BTW, Vampire Wang is my new band name.

They begin to smushing. Bella wants it! But Edward doesn't want to give it to her! OH THIS IS QUITE THE TENSEST. IM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT FILLED WITH NERVOUS ANTICIPATION OVER IF THERE WILL BE COITUS OR NOT.

Finally they do it. OH AND EDWARD CAN'T CONTROL HIMSELF. HE SMASHES THE HEADBOARD. THE BED IS BREAKING ALL AROUND THEM. IT'S ONE OF THOSE BIG DUMB PRETENTIOUS BEDS WITH THE 4 HIGH POSTS! OOH NOW YOU'VE DONE IT EDWARD! YOU'RE GONNA TOTALLY LOSE THE DEPOSIT ON THE RENTAL HOUSE NOW! HE'S SO HARD CORE!

The next morning they spend like 5 minutes talking about how it was. Bella's nervous she wasn't good enough for Edward, Edward still feels like it's too dangerous (she does have a few bruises) but he also wants to convey he had funzies last night too and on and on and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

One thing about this damn movie: TOO MUCH MUSIC. I realize the Twilight soundtrack is something of a good seller in this age when no movie soundtracks sell anymore, but my Lord, cramming a song into every instance there isn't rapid fire dialogue is overwhelming. WE GET IT. YOU CAN PICK SONGS. YOU WANT TO SELL CDs OK I GET IT. BUT LET THE MOVIE BREATHE. IT'S OKAY TO HAVE SOME QUIET IN THE MOVIE HERE AND THERE. SILENCE IS GOLDEN. YOU DON'T NEED TO MUCK IT ALL UP WITH YOUR WACK ASS EMO SOUNDTRACK THAT WENT GOLD THE PREVIOUS 3 MOVIES. KRISTIN STEWART AND ROBERT PATTINSON ARE BEAUTIFUL. I'M HAPPY TO WATCH THEM ACT AND WALK AROUND AND MOVE WITHOUT SOME DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE JOINT BLASTING IN MY EARZ.

BTW, The Bruno Mars song on this movie's soundtrrack "It Will Rain" is da bomb. Luv dat Hawaiian dude. He is teh hawtness. And speaking of hair, Bruno Mars' hair is banoodles. But in all their wisdom, this song doesn't play until the final credits.

So Bella gets knocked up with Edward's demon seed. Jacob gets mad (again). That's all he does in these dumb movies is brood and whine like a bitch. Whatevs. Get over it homeboi. There's hella fine chicks up in the Pacific Northwest. Like Dyan Cannon and Carol Channing and all the chicks Shawn Kemp impregnated. (I googled it, ok.)

This leads to the standard werewolf vs vampire brawl we get once per Twilight movie. It looks like any old fight at the Burger King you can dial up on the Youtube in 10 seconds. The vampires win. Blah blah blah.

Bella is ready to have the baby now. Jacob and Edward help deliver it. I'm sure they're both medically accredited like Dr Dre, Dr Pepper, and Dr Bombay. The baby is fine, but Bella pretty much dies giving birth to Count Chocula Jr over here. SPOILER ALERT.

Edward decides this is the optimum time to bite Bella and turn her into a vampire. And the last thing we see before the credits roll is Bella opening her eyes and she has red pupils. OH IT IS SO ON NOW.

So yeah, Breaking Dawn Part 1 is a crappy movie. But that doesn't mean it isn't entertaining. All the Twilight movies are middling, really. But despite their stilted dialogue and bad acting, I find them funzies and breezy. For purely mocking purposes, of course. I give Breaking Dawn Part 1 a 6.

TBD1 IMDB Link TBD1 Rotten Tomatoes link

The Descendants stars George Clooney as a guy whose wife goes into a coma so he's forced into caring for his 2 daughters, the eldest of which he doesn't have a great relationship with.

It's also directed by Alexander Payne, who also did Sideways, which any real man (such as myself) should watch at least once.

So George becomes the point man for his friends and family on his wife's condition. He's also involved in a complicated land deal that serves no purpose to the movie except to serve as a moral lesson at the very end to the catatonic audience. OH SURE GEORGE CLOONEY WOULD CHOOSE THE ENVIRONMENT OVER HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!! YAH THAT'S A RICH ONE THERE!! THANKS FOR THAT EXTRA HELPING OF MORAL HIGH GROUND YOU FORCED ME TO EAT!

The movie is basically George making sure his wife's "affairs are in order" cuz he's about to yank the plug on her. OOHH OBMAMACARE REARS IT'S UGLY HEAD! DEATH PANELS! BROWN SHIRTS! HIMMLER! NEIN!

George takes his 2 daughters to the hospital often to check up on mum. At one point the doctor pulls out a drawer from a desk that's really a seat. You know those kinda of desks at the hospital? More people should have those.

George also finds out that his wifey in a coma was CHEATING ON HIM. HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON GEORGE CLOONEY? HE'S SO HAWT!! MMMM OHHHH MAKE LOVE TO ME BY YOUR INFINITY POOL IN THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS MR CLOONEY!!!

But George isn't one for vanity in this film. In most of the movie he wears flip flops and t-shirts. Which is fine, but he's not his usual debonaire self. He's got no Cary Grant mojo happening here. Or he could be hitting the wall. Either way, he's not very handsome in this movie.

But he plays the part of a middle aged dad well. He even has like an old man walk in one scene.

There's way too much Hawaiian music in this movie. It's like every chance they can crowbar in some Hawaiian music, they do it. It is so annoying. YOU AIN'T NO CAMERON CROWE, BRAH! Cool it on mixtape soundtrack vibe. We get it. You got to kick it in Hawaii on some studio's dime. Congrats. Filming in Hawaii also possibly helped contribute to the movie's semi-languid pace.

A nice surprise was Beau Bridges showing up literally channeling The Dude. It's pretty awesome. He plays a cousin (I think) of George and is somehow involved in the movie (otherwise he wouldn't be in it, right?) but I can't remember why. Jeff Bridges would be proud.

Overall The Descendants is a kinda sad movie with some genuinely funny moments. Don't watch this movie if your momz is laid up in the hospital or sumthin. Clooney is beautiful playing a dad, actually acting his age, not playing some leader of a crew pulling off a laughable casino heist (LIKE YOU COULD REALLY STEAL FROM ANDY GARCIA! DUDE WOULD WHOOP YO AZZ!). But if you want your own version of the 6 AM Dour Hour, you'll find it here. And the older daughter is kinda hawt. I give it a 6.

TD IMDB LINK TD Rotten Tomatoes LINK

So hunkalicious Aussie star Hugh Jackman (or as Tracy Jordan calls him "Jack Human") is the lead in this predictable, paint by the numbers movie that is also enjoyable. He plays a washed up boxer, who is now on the fringe of robot boxing, which is a big thing in the future apparently.

Hugh (aka Wolverine) looks handsome as usual and is so buff he's got veins poppin out his arms. He's one of the 6 men I wouldn't mind seeing naked. The others being: Will Smif, Ursher (white people may know him as Usher), Ryan Gosling, Justin Timberlake, and Detroit Lions WR Calvin Johnson.

Wolverine has skills, but is careless in execution, so he's relegated to doing small time robot boxing at state fairs. The movie left out the fatties eating funnel cake swarming most state fairs.

So Wolverine's estranged baby's mama dies, and he's forced to fend for his 11 year old son who he's literally never met.

The chick from Lost, Evangeline Lilly, plays Wolverine's love insterest. She looks weird with her hair down. And her lips are also odd looking.

Wolverine wants to keep robot fighting on the robot fighting road circuit and wants nothing to do with the kid that was thrust upon him and the kid feels the same way because Wolverine bounced on him and his momz.

So initially they dislike each other and Wolverine's plans are to leave the kid with the chick from Lost and then OMG HUGH JACKMAN JUST TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF AND ITS BARELY 15 MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE! YUMMY! OH MAKE SWEET LOVE TO ME MR JACKMAN!!

So Wolverine and the kid end up on the road together trying to make this robot boxing dream come true. And I gotta say, Hugh and this kid are great together. Sure he's a bratty little snot nosed runt, but he holds his own With Wolverine and has a few very funny scenes/ lines.

Their chemistry is also entertaining in that Wolverine is hard headed and thinks about only short term gains sorta like a gambler, while the kid sees the big, macro picture.

They eventually discover an old skool robot (named Atom) with special skills. The kid immediately takes a shine to the robot while Wolverine remains skeptical.

The kid starts hanging out with the robot and they develop a bond. At one point I thought the two were going to make out.

A kid falling in love with a robot might sound bananas BUT OH LOOK STEVEN SPIELBERG IS ONE OF THE PRODUCERS NO FREAKING WONDER.

There's tons of product placement in this flick too. Bing, Dr Pepper, Sprint. It was annoying and, worse, distracting.

Wolverine and the kid start working their way up the ranks, eventually landing a fight with the champion robot, Zues. For those of you skeptical about robot boxing, well, Rocky Balboa getting socked in the face 50 times per round by Ivan Drago wasn't very accurate either.

Early in the movie, Jackman says he'll "babysit" his son for a few months while the kid's aunt and uncle travel to Italy. The rich uncle agrees to compensates him $100k for doing this. Near the end when the uncle hands over payment to Wolverine, Wolverine responds with "I don't want your money!" OH DAMN HE LEARNED HIS LESSON! HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS SON CAN'T BE BOUGHT WITH MONEY YO! (Even though it could in the beginning of the movie). HE'S CHANGED FROM A HEARTLESS PRICK ONLY OUT FOR MONEY TO A CARING, LOVING DAD! THAT'S CALLED CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, PEOPLE!

There's even a scene where Hugh is listening to sports talk radio talk about his robot. Wow. Sports talk radio about robots. Sounds exciting!

And Nate Dogg is on the soundtrack! RIP HOMIE! DPG! LBC! DEATH ROW RECORDS IN DA HOUSE FOR DA 93!

I can't remember the ending, but I think Atom loses to Zues. SPOILER ALERT! But hey, the overly sentimental film wants us to know we're all winners here!

And the rascal kid who calls Wolverine "Charlie" (Wolverine's character's name) the entire movie finally calls him "Dad" at the end. Awwwww so cute GAG ME WITH A CABBAGE PATCH DOLL.

Real Steel is an entertaining family flick that I enjoyed. Going in, you know exactly what's going to happen, and that's fine. I give it a solid 7.

RS IMDB link RS Rotten Tomatoes link

There's not much to the plot of The Help. Basically, Emma Stone, a fledgling writer, gets the idea to write a book from the perspective of black maids in 1960s Jackson Mississippi.

It was a glorious time back then where people used White-Out and smoked inside buildings.

White people back den was so paranoid of black people they wouldn't even let their own maids use the bathrooms inside the house. Bryce Dallas Howard (Ron Howard's hot daughter) actually uses a pencil to mark the toilet paper to make sure her maid ain't poopin in her bathroom.

In fact one white family goes to the trouble of building an additional bathroom to their house just for the maid. Now, sure it's insulting to the black maid, but I think it'd be awesome cuz then you can keep your own magazines in there. Maybe some wi-fi. Some snacks.

The movie has several mean racist white people, the most egregious played by Ron Howard's daughter, and a few nice white people, like the kind you find in San Ramon, the main one being Emma Stone.

Emma Stone is just so outrageous because she has the nerve to acknowledge The Help and actually engage them in conversations like they're human beings. I KNOW RIGHT!

So Emma's book is published and causes a ruckus in da durrty souf. White people get outraged, and black people are like "This book totally rulez!" because it says what they can't say.

Emma Stone's curly hair is distracting. Did chicks even have curly hair in the 60s? Ima Wikipedia dat.

Viola Davis plays one of the maids. The white family she works for hardly pays attention to their own kids, so Viola essentially raises the kids on her own.

She teaches the oldest daughter (maybe 3 years old) how to speak by having her repeat sentences like "You is kind." and "You is smart."

Okay so maybe the grammar ain't top notch, but Viola genuinely loves the kids and they feel the same way back.

Probably the most talked about part of The Help is "The Pie." And even though I love spoiling stuff, mostly because I like to hear crybabies whine about spoilers, here I shall demure. But it's probably the best part of the movie, comedically speaking.

In one scene Viola Davis makes chicken salad with grapes on top. That sounds mad nasty, yo! Maybe it's a Southern thing.

Like I said, there isn't much to this movie. I liked it. I imagine chicks will dig it way more than dudes. I give it an enthusiastic 6.

TH IMDB link TH Rotten Tomatoes link

Abduction stars Taylor Lautner, the dude who plays Jacob the werewolf from those pesky Twilight movies.

Abduction is supposed to be Jacob's big test to see if he can carry a movie (he can't) and if his Twihard appeal can translate to box office success for him in other roles (it didn't).

It's directed by John Singleton, who did Boyz n the Hood, but then lost all street cred when a few years later he directed Michael Jackson's fledgling attempt at New Jack Swing "Remember the Time."

Oh and Jacob was paid $7 million for this flick purely for box office potential. He's the Jamarcus Russell of Hollywood.

So the opening scene of Abduction is... JACOB RIDING ON THE HOOD OF A MOVING PICK UP TRUCK. FOR FUN! OMG SO RISKY AND SCARY. HE'S JUST SO DARING!

We're then introduced to the main chick in this movie, ultra-hottie Lily Collins who is, no joke, PHIL COLLINS' DAUGHTER, PEOPLE.

I don't wanna goo all Patrick Bateman on dat ass but my favorite song of his is "In Too Deep." I don't care about business card font all that much though.

Now I think Phil Collin's daughter is beautiful, but I'd dial it down a little on the eyebrows, honey.

Jacob and Phil Collins' daughter bump into each other at a party and Jacob gives her that look of like "Yo u fine n all girl but I'm not quite sure how to convey it cuz I really suck at acting!"

It's hardly breaking news (donkey-worthy) that Jacob is a shi*tty actor. Watch any of the Twilight movies. When he gets angry or upset his voice turns into this weird high pitch whine like he's an 8-year-old and his mom just took away his PS3 for a week.

Jacob gets mad wasted (underage drinking is fun in the movies, kids!) and he passes out on the lawn when his OMG JACOB'S SHIRT IS OFF (within the first 5 minutes, mind you) HUBBA HUBBA MMMMMM OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. TEAM JACOB 4 LIFE! UR SO HAWT!

He finds out he's adopted or something and gets all pissy at his fake parents but who are actually good parents and care about him.

DUDE I SEE YOUR BEDROOM. YOU GOT AN IMAC, A MAC BOOK PRO (I couldn't tell if it was the Air or the Pro), AND I RECOGNIZE YOUR DRESSER FROM THE IKEA CATALOG (it's the Hopen style {yes I'm a loser go away}) I THINK YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE, HOMEBOI.

But Jacob gets all butthurt and emo to his fake parents like "Who are you?" "Why are you pretending to be my folks?" and "Where are my real parents?"

DUDE WHO CURRRRRS BRO REAL PARENTS ARE ALMOST ALWAYS A DISAPPOINTMENT.

Jacob and Phil Collins' daughter go on the lam from the bad guys.. and the good guys! They can't be trustin no one!!

At one point Phil Collins' daughter is like "Are we gonna die, Jacob?" to which Jacob soberly replies "I'm not gonna let that happen." It's David Mamet-lite!

The rest of the movie is Jacob and Phil Collin's daughter running from the bad guys getting involved in all these dumb little chases.

I realized the difference b/w a good guy and a bad guy. When they both get into a foot chase, the good guy is weaving his way through a crowd going "Excuse me! Sorry! Out of the way, please!" while the bad guy is pushing people and knocking people's nachos down to the ground in stone cold silence all the while not even apologizing and not even acknowledging their presence! How rude! Pricks! Bad guys r mean n stuff.

So the climax takes place at a Pittsburgh Pirates game. I'm pretty sure the Pirates game was more entertaining.

Sure Abduction is utter tripe. But it's the holidays, Phill Collin's daughter is hot, and I'm listening to "Your Love" by The Outfield right now so I'm in a giving mood. I give the movie a 3.

Abduction IMDB link Abduction Rotten Tomatoes

Moneyball is a boring ass movie.

Usually whle watching a movie I'll take notes because that's what Roger Ebert does.

You know how you have random thoughts zoom in and out of your head while watching a movie? Well, I write those down, and when the movie's over I put all those wacky ideas into a somewhat coherent narrative and magically it turns into the feat of naturalistic Pullitzer Prize winning Michael Crichton-esque writing that you're consuming right now. Amazing, isn't it?

But while watching Moneyball, I didn't write anything down. BECAUSE PRETTY MUCH NOTHING HAPPENS IN THE ENTIRE DAMN MOVIE.

Since I have no notes, this review is straight off the top of my head, like Drake on Tim Westwood (yes I realize no one got that joke, but I don't pander).

The movie is mostly a bunch of guys sitting around discussing the minute intricacies of baseball. Gag me.

Brad Pitt plays Oakland A's general manager Billy Beane. While Pitt looks great and his acting is fine, there is something just off about his performance.

Like he's way too genial and good-natured and relaxed and laid-back and just too... normal? Here's the glorious international movie star Brad Pitt and he spends most of the movie walking around deep within the bowels of Oakland Coliseum.

Maybe the "baseball GM" archetype (or just Beane himelf) just isn't interesting enough to carry a movie.

Brad meets Jonah Hill (understated and one note {aka boring} here), a numbers whiz kid who sees baseball players in a whole new light where he focuses on runs scored, on base percentage, walks, and OMG ARE YOU FREAKING BORED YET CUZ I AM.

Baseball and math on the silver screen.. finally!

Jonah assembles a list of "undervalued" and "overlooked" players, Pitt signs said players, they suck at first, then go on to win the AL West. THE END.

And that's pretty much the movie. Brad and Jonah trying to win over "the establishment" including A's manager Art Howe played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman (who has the most awesome baseball manager belly eva) to embrace their new way of thinking.

And the big payoff? Do they win the World Series? Do they even make it to the World Series? Nope. THEY GET ELIMINATED IN THE PLAYOFFS AT THE EXACT SAME POINT THEY DID THE PREVIOUS SEASON.

So you sit through 2 hours of Brad struggling and fighting and rooting for him just to see his team get knocked out by the Minnesota Twins in the ALDS. Wow. Talk about a movie hitting its zenith.

I love Brad Pitt (he's one of the 4 men I'd like to see naked along with Will Smif, Ursher, and Hugh Jackman{and maybe Ryan Gosling}) and was fairly interested in the whole Moneyball thing when it was happening in the early 2000s, but as a movie, it does not work.

There's just nothing dynamic or compelling here. It's a close up look at an insular world that seems, well, boring. I give it a 3.

Moneyball IMDB link Moneyball Rotten Tomatoes link

Colombiana stars the hot chick from Avatar, Zoe Saldana. It's produced by Luc Besson, a French dude most known by you stupid Americans for The Fifth Element, but is behind several crappy action flicks.

We first meet Avatar chick when she's like 10. Her parents are killed by some criminals her parents are mixed up with.

Of course before her parents are mowed down by a bunch of bad guys, Avatar chick's dad gives her his necklance, puts it around her neck and says "This will keep you safe." Sure it will bro, just like when that Mexican Indian dude gave Richie Valens that necklace in La Bamba.

So Avatar chick stabs one of the bad dudes in the hand (pretty kewl) and then escapes. She takes off and the bad guys give chase and there's the requisite chase across multiple favela rooftops in Bogota. Jumping from roof to roof! Wow! Like I haven't seen this exact damn chase sequence in 9 million other movies before!

I realize favelas are Brazilian, but I'm too lazy to Google what the Colombian version is. Leave me alone.

Another weird thing I noticed is that Young Avatar chick is the first 25 minutes of the movie. I really thought they'd introduce adult Avatar chick quicker. It kinda annoyed me.

Avatar chick grows up to be a badass contract killa. Her ultimate goal is to kill the guy (and his boiz) who ordered her parents killed. VENGEANCE ALERT! VENGEANCE ALERT!

One dude she's about to murda pleads "Whatever they're paying you, I'll double it!" Has anyone ever taken this offer? What's the point in even writing it as a line in a movie anymore? Talk about cliche.

I mean yo, if someone ever offered me double the chedda, I'd be like "OKAY NO PROBLEM SORRY ABOUT ALMOST KILLING YOU BRAH C-YA IM OUTTIE 5000 G-MONEY HAVE A NICE DAY, SIR!"

Then the FBI starts trying to catch her. The FBI runs into problems getting help and info from the CIA. OOHH A JURISDICTION BATTLE IN A MOVIE! WELL HOT DAMN SOMEONE CALL THE ORIGINALITY POLICE!

But hot, badass, killaz need love too. So Avatar chick gets with this artist dude in New Orleans or Chicago (I couldn't figure out which city they was in.) They hook up but she has no time for feelings and emotion and DOESN'T WANT TO LET HIM IN so she just hits it then quits it. She bounces before he wakes up in the morning. OH YEAH! BALLER STATUS!

But it's just not enough for artist guy. He wants more. He wants to know who she is. He wants a (dear God) RELATIONSHIP. Which leads to a scene at his place. He's about to eat some din din when Avatar chick shows up hot n ready to get it in. She starts pushing up on him and kissing him and MMMMMMMMM OOOOOOHHHHHHH YEEEAAAHHHHHHHHH BUT WAIT! Artist guy makes her stop. He says "Wait. Wait. Let's just sit, eat a little food, and talk first."

OH OF COURSE. CUZ WHEN THE HOT CHICK FROM AVATAR WILL LET YOU SMUSH WITH ZERO STRINGS ATTACHED, ANY NORMAL GUY WOULD NOT BE CONTENT AND WANT MORE. Trick, pleez.

And she spends more time crawling around in ventilation systems than your local HVAC crew. She's in stealth mode, yo!

So, I dunno. Zoe kicks much ass in this movie, and she looks great doing it. (So hawt.) But other than the revenge story, there isn't much going on here, although it is mildly (and mindlessly) entertaining. I give it a 3.5.

Colombiana IMDB link Colombiana Rotten Tomatoes link

So The Thing is a pretty crappy movie. I know, I'm shocked too.

This is a prequel to the 1982 movie. It happens right before that one, I think. How do you know it's authentically early 80s? Because the chick in the opening scene is listening to Men at Work's "Who Could It Be Now" on her walkman with those super chunky headphones! Homegirl doesn't even have earbuds!

So the lead chick is no one I'd ever heard of. She looks like Phoebe Cates. Well sort of a not-as-hot-I-wasn't-the-one-who-opened-my-bikini-top-in-Fast-Times sister of Phoebe Cates.

The lead dude, who I've also never heard of, looks sort of like Jimmy the Cab Driver from those MTV promos in the 90s.

Once I sang Lisa Loeb "Stay" for karaoke and based my entire physical comedic performance on Jimmy the Cab Driver's rendition. Well that and I did a commentary on that movie Reality Bites. It was on the soundtrack.

So some fuzzy foreigner plays a rich baron guy that asks Phoebe, who is a geologist (of course she is), to come check out some alien he found in the ice in Antarctica.

And she has no time to make the decision. Because right after he asks her to travel to Anarctica, she says "I guess I don't have any time to think about this," and the fuzzy foreigner rich baron dude goes, "No, I need your answer right now." OMG THE URGENCY! Poor Phoebe can't even write out a list of the pros and cons!

The alien thing gets loose and it turns out that The Thing grabs you then thru some sort of "cell replication process" becomes you (for a while) and then YOU BECOME IT (I believe Isaac Asimov wrote the screenplay) at seemingly the most opportune times!

It turns that out any one of them could be an alien! Ooh intrigue! So they all begin to suspect each other and turn on each other.

Isn't it ironic that A MONSTER BRINGS OUT THE TRUE MONSTER IN ALL OF US?!?! I know, right?!

This movie is so predictable. In one scene they're all carousing around in a bar when they send one dude to get some booze out in the truck. DEAD MAN.

I didn't even recognize some of the people that were killed off. That's what happens when PEOPLE START DYING A MERE 20 MINUTES INTO THE DAMN MOVIE. Way to build up the suspense! Way to build the viewer's emotional connection with the characters who OH HELL I CAN'T EVEN FINISH THAT SENTENCE.

So in the end (which you can pretty much see coming from the beginning), it's Phoebe vs Jimmy- and one of them is an alien! OMG WHO IS IT?! It's Jimmy. SPOILER ALERT. Then Phoebe kills Jimmy. SPOILER ALERT.

Yes, The Thing is a crappy movie. But it's mildly entertaining. Not every movie you watch has to have won the Palme d'Or (whatever that is). I give The Thing a 3.

The Thing IMDB link The Thing Rotten Tomatoes link